Yoshimi Episode 5 - Dying in the plane

So, here's what happens when you watch too many movies about plane crashes: you get scared. Or, at least, Yoshimi did. On that Wednesday afternoon, she boarded a plane heading towards Brazil, with a connection in Houston before heading to Sao Paulo.


First flight: 3 1/2 hours. Easy. Piece of cake. She always bought the seat by the window. Somehow it attracted her: the view of everything so small down there... except when there was turbulence. Then she hated it. She boarded, took a seat and waited for the others to board, too. Got a magazine, put it back, got a book, read a few lines and put it back again.


"Geez.... why does it take so long? I just want to get to Houston soon...and safe."


The plane finally boards. It seemed like an eternity until the flight attendants started to serve the "food".


"Is THIS the food?Peanuts? Is that all???" she thought to herself, with the indignation of a desperate woman in search of food to kill her anxiety. So unique.


She thinks about asking for more peanuts. "Yeah, can you give me some more, please? Maybe 2 dozen?" But no. Peanuts are full of calories. She decided to munch on a few apple rings she brought in her purse. 


Before half the flight was done, all the apple rings and peanuts were gone. Since there were no turbulences so far, Yoshimi was quite calm. No need for more sugar. Now it's just the landing...


A couple of hours later, Yoshimi is supposed to take the next flight. This one would be a 10-hour flight.  Unfortunately, a couple of months before she had read about another plane crash - the plane had disappeared in the ocean and nobody knew what had happened.


Inside Yoshimi's mind, it was all very clear.... she is sitting in the plane. The other people board. They buckle up their seat belts. The flight attendant explains the emergency procedures, which all in the plane think will save their lives, but not Yoshimi, who had the unfortunate luck to know that it was all BS and nobody would survive a crash. They turn the turbines on. The plane takes off. There is some noise in the engine on the wing, but nobody notices it. Except Yoshimi. She can hear it all. She knows what's coming for them. Then, after an hour or so of a terribly turbulent flight, they hit a major turbulence that makes the plane drop down a few thousand miles. The oxygen masks fall down. The internal pressure drops. People are faiting, and screaming. The plane keeps dropping down, just like in a rollercoaster. Yoshimi hates that feeling. She hates rollercoasters to the bottom of her heart. It's just like a huge rollercoaster to death. She knew it! She knew she should've booked the next flight, but this one was one buck cheaper. God damn it! One buck! And now she was gonna die....


"Are you OK, ma'am?" the voice of the flight attendant sounded like a thousand-angels choir of harps.  The flight attendant looked puzzled at this small-sized Asian woman who was sweating like a pig inside this high air-conditioned plane, with her eyes wide shut and shaking as if she was in the middle of a blizzard. 


"Y...yes...yeah.." a confused, yet relieved, Yoshimi answered back. Drops of sweat were rolling down the sides of her head. Her hands wore swollen and sweaty. And her mouth was dry, even though she had already drunk a whole bottle of water. They hadn't taken off yet - the flight attendants were walking through the aisles of the plane making sure everything was OK.


The plane started to move and Yoshimi started to pray. She was thinking about the things she thought she would become and she didn't. She thought about when she wanted to be an actress - why the fuck didn't she go to acting school? She thought about the times she wanted to kiss a person and she thought she was too fat or too ugly or that the boy would look at her and say "Yuck!" and ended up not kissing that person. She regretted it now. 


"Now I'm sitting in this plane. And what if it happens like it did to that other plane? What if we just disappear out in the ocean? How did those people feel while they were inside the plane? Can you imagine the despair of a person's final moments? What crossed their minds? What did they feel? How is it to know you're gonna die in a few minutes and you won't even have the chance to re-do everything you did wrong and to tell people you loved them?" she thought, eyes wide shut while the plane was taking off.


But at least for that she was relieved: she called and emailed some people to tell them she loved them. Not everybody, though. And she bought special cat food for her kitty, even though it wasn't her birthday. Maybe she should've done more Yoga. Too late now. That's when she heard the announcement before they served the food:" We are going to serve free wine and beer to our customers in this flight."


"YAYYYYYY!!!!!" she thought. Yoshimi had never, ever, ever drank alcohol in the plane. But she was sure this was her last trip.


"Well, if I'm gonna die, then I'll die happy. I'll get as drunk as a pig and die laughing," she thought, relieved that her last moments would be in peace and happy.


She chose a movie - "He is just not that into you" and started drinking her wine. First, a small bottle of red. Then, white. Then red again. Then white again. And, suddenly, the mysteries of the universe opened up for her in a most comprehensible way. This movie was so wise! It opened her eyes to one of the most complex, intricate, intriguing mysteries of the Universe: why didn't he call????


So, feeling the pain of the main character who would sit in the kitchen watching her cell phone, Yoshimi started crying with her. And laughing. And crying. And laughing. And...ooops. She needed some more wine. She didn't remember anymore which color. Any color would be fine. But she got to be smart....the flight attendant had come back many times already - maybe it would be best to walk to them, at the back of the plane. 


"This flight is sooo smooth...." a happy, stress-free and buzzed Yoshimi thought, while trying to put herself together to walk toward the flight attendants.


"I gotta be real smart. I gotta look real sober. I'm not that drunk, but they might not give me more and I just need one more bottle. I deserve it.... ok, so, let's walk straight... Yoshimi, hold on to the sides of the seats... wait...where is it? Am I walking straight? Yeah...I am..."


"Hey... ma'am?" Yoshimi said, approaching one of the attendants, who looked at her quite surprised.


"Yes? May I help you?"


" Yes...I just woooould like a boooottle of wine.... ahn....red..."


"How much wine have you drunk, young lady? You shouldn't be drinking so much - such a small girl, drinking this much wine!"


"Oh, please, ma'am, just one more....please...." begged Yoshimi, almost crying.


"This is the last one I'm giving you!" and handed Yoshimi another small bottle of red wine.


As happy as a pig in the shit, Yoshimi walked (or tried to) back to her seat. She started drinking her wine and couldn't even feel her body anymore. Until her stomach gave her signs of life. Real signs.  Yoshimi felt something funny in her tummy. She couldn't understand right away what it was, but Nature made her get up on her feet and run through the aisle to the bathroom. And then Nature had its course.


Yoshimi pucked. In the bathroom of a plane, with all that room and that wonderful fan on, she pucked her guts out. Then she looked in the mirror: she looked like shit. Washed her face and walked back to her seat. The attendant asked her if she was alright. Yes. An almost sober, embarrassed yes.


She had to make a couple more trips to the bathroom, for the very same reason. And the attendants made a few more trips to her seat - just to make sure she was well and give her water.


The plane landed and she was safe. If there had been any turbulence, she couldn't really tell. She couldn't remember. But at least she was alive. In a semi-dead state, but still alive. 

Yoshimi - Episode 4: On the beach

Yoshimi called sick one morning. She was sick of working. That was plausible enough: sick of work = sick day = day off. Makes sense. So she decided to use her sick day off to go down to the beach.

The adventure started with getting herself in the swimsuit. Apparently she hadn't been going to the beach much lately. "When did I get this fat???" In an attempt to make her feel any better, she ate a piece of chocolate. And she got down to the beach, always paying careful attention to her shakey belly, which tended to try to sneak out over the edges of her bikini bottoms, when she had the audacity to breathe.

After carefully scouting the parking lot (amazingly enough, other people also got sick on a Monday and decided to cure their sickness on a sunny beach) for almost 30 minutes, she finally found a spot. "Cool! I think my car should fit here!" she thought, with the happiness of a person who just found the perfect spot when there is nowhere else to park in sight.

With her heart in Zen peacefulness, Yoshimi turned her right blinker on and started to go more towards the left, so she could make a beautiful, perfect parking in this right-sided spot. But that is when a teeny tiny yellow Volkswagen Beetle came in and swerved into Yoshimi's dear parking spot.

For a second, Yoshimi couldn't believe her own eyes. Who was the motherfucker that couldn't respect a blinking car, politely signaling their intention to get the spot???? So, as zen as she could be at the moment, she sank her hand on the horn, honking like crazy.

A beautiful, hot and skinny young woman got out of the car, wearing what seemed to be Prada sunglasses and looked disdainfully at Yoshimi (yes, it was possible to see the look of disdain in her face, despite the Prada sunglasses!), raising her delicate hand in a most indelicate gesture: she flicked Yoshimi out.

Horrified, Yoshimi thought, "Bitch."

Half an hour and double the distance later, Yoshimi finally found another parking spot. "Ok, I really needed to get some exercise. Walking a mile under the hot sun with the beach chair and my food won't be that much of a hassle.... I guess."

Yoshimi got to the beach and the sight of the ocean and blue skies soon got her in her best mood again. "Oh, life is good!" she thought, as she sat on her beach chair.

Like all single women do when they go to the beach, Yoshimi soon started scanning out the beach, looking for her "prince-on-a-white-horse"... or simply for a date on Friday night.

When she was almost giving it up (since most of the beach seemed to be women with children, or annoying teenagers or old surfers), she saw...him. A tall, handsome, super fit, young (as young as her, I mean) man. He was just the perfect size for her. It was destiny. He probably skipped work on that Monday, too. He probably had a good, stable, career job. He was probably very intelligent. He probably liked children, cats and dogs. He probably lived alone and his parents lived in the other half of the planet.

He was probably...single?

Yup. No wedding bands.

Ok, so now he probably liked...asians?

Yoshimi was already envisioning herself with him, introducing him to her parents, grandparents, taking him to her favorite sushi restaurant, saying "yes" to him when he popped the question, walking down the aisle in a white gown.... when his boyfriend arrived.

And his boyfriend was in better shape than her.

"Well, this beach is getting annoying."

She picked up her things and walked back to her car, relieved that tomorrow she would be in her calm, boring and safe office environment again.

Copyrights by Michelle Mocarski

Yoshimi - Episode 3 : New software at the office

Wednesday, 3:00 PM. Yoshimi is in the office, staring at her computer screen. They just swifted from the software she was used to to this "more-efficient, time-saving" thing.

"Time-saving, my ass," she though, while biting her lip. "I've been trying to figure this shit out since 9 AM."

Something was wrong with the numbers. They weren't matching. "This sucks."

She got up again in search for something to kill her boredom. She couldn't even binge herself in drinking water anymore - got tired of endless trips to the bathroom this morning. She was starting to think she had turned herself into an open tap.

"Hmmm...maybe some coffee..."

The cleaning lady had left the coffee at the office early morning, even before 9. People have the annoying habit of not closing the coffee pot lid tight (yeah, one of "those" old, cheap coffee pots....) and the coffee was already cold. She liked bitter coffee, but not cold. "Why on Earth would somebody like cold coffee???" she thought, thinking of those crazies who go to Starbucks to buy icy coffee.

"I'd rather not have anything to having this," and walked back to her desk, hauling her bag of frustration (which she had been loading, little by little, the whole day).

At her desk, a bucket of anger fell over Yoshimi again, as her eyes fell on the screen and reality sank once more. "I don't know how to do this shit."

At that moment, she delighted herself with vengeful thoughts. She could picture her foot kicking the computer screen a la Taratino's Kill Bill. She was "The Bride", revenging the death of her unborn baby. Only that, in this case, there were no babies or killing husbands around. Just a plain, simple version of Windows Vista with a slow processor and a new software she couldn't remember how to use.

Truth is: hadn't she lied about what programs she knew well (and she included this one,even though she had just glanced at it once!), she would now be able to ask for help, which she can't. The only solution would be to try to figure it out by herself - at least the basics to get the most urgent parts of the job done.

That would mean a late-night at the office.

Resigned, she sighed and walked towards the coffee pot to get herself another cup of old, cold Joe.

Copyrights by Michelle Mocarski